And the sun shines again

(Written in 2010 but only now put on the blog)
Resting on the memories

of what used to be

never realizing the clock hands moved

the bath drained

the candle burned

the baby walked

or the curtains faded

Slipping into a deep dark place and I don't want to go I miss my mom I miss my Cleo I miss having my children at home I miss..... I have asked God to keep me from descending I have asked for Him to help me fight I am trying I don't want to lose anything else, anyone else... Slipping, trying to grab hold, slipping

How many lies have you believed today? Lying really bothers me. I hate it, honestly, and I do consider it evil. So how many lies have you believed today?

I read my devotion this morning and immediately turned to my husband and told him how convicted I felt. I mean to my soul. I went from reading about mothering young children and wondering what I could possibly get from that at this stage of life to feeling 100% guilty. I had failed. Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it. I've read it, prayed it, repeated it, and here I was feeling like a failure in it. Had I raised God-following adults? I felt I hadn't. I felt I hadn't prayed the right prayers. My children are not where I want them to be in their relationship with the Lord. I was a rule follower. I dealt with children who lived the "Disney dad syndrome" so I thought that when they were with me, I had to provide the stability and consistent structure. Now I was reading these precious words and feeling I had failed.

My husband in his kind and loving way, totally rebuked my claims of failure. He reminded me of how many times he had heard me pray, "Lord, please help me to raise _____ to be the (man or woman) You want (him or her) to be." He told me he couldn't count how many times he had heard me pray that very prayer, and I know he heard it, because as he said those words, I could finish what was coming. I know I have written it in my prayer journal. Those words along with, "Lord,, show me how to be the mother You need me to be to parent these precious children You have loaned me." My husband also reminded me that I had the blessing of leading both my children to Christ, I was able to volunteer year after year in teaching their Sunday school classes and their VBS. He reminded me of how many times we have hidden God's Word in our hearts through song, dance, and praying together. His simple reminders of the prayers I have prayed were enough to help me remember I have planted the seeds, raised them in a Christian home, lived an example of following Him, and allowed them to see me turn to Him in times of praise, prayer, and honest crying out. God isn't finished with me yet, and He certainly isn't finished with my children. I'm not finished being their mother either.

Thank you, Lord, for my wise and loving husband - with whom I pray.

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November 29

November 29, 2011 - My sweet mama went to be with Jesus today. She is the woman who cared for me in ways too numerous to list. She taught me The Lord's Prayer when I was 3, my multiplication tables through 10 when I was 3, and how to create in the kitchen with abandon and no fear at an age too early for me to remember. She was a gourmet cook and could have written so many cookbooks. She grew up on a farm in eastern North Carolina, left to complete business school in Miami, started nursing school in Richmond - never lost her love of learning about medicine, and worked for the US Department of the Treasury before marrying my dad and creating a home and family. She was a fashion maven - ahead of her time and addicted to shoes. She had been an athlete, sent in her picture to play Scarlet O'Hara, and learned Spanish living in the culture. She had me rather late as those things go - already 41 when I was born. She had lost her first born, a son, and I was the last attempt at another boy. Born to a family with two older sisters, they chose to name me after the brother who had passed and after my mother. Though I was never fond of the version of my mother's name bestowed upon me, I carry that name now with great pride. My mother was the quintessential charming lady, a young heart and an old soul, and she had the softest hands I have ever touched in my entire life. I will miss you, Mama; dance with Jesus until I see you again. I love you!

A Great Christmas Read

Something we all should read -

B-L-E-S-S-E-D

Because he
Loves me with a ferocity
Every woman deserves but
So many never feel
So many couples desire but never
Ever work to give each other
Daftly believing it just happens